So, Hey, Wow. Hi.

I s’pose things could be worse. or better.

But this works for now.

I’m going on diet soon.

One I rid myself of the rest of the beer in the house, I’m stopping for at least a month.

I’m also stopping taking my anxiety medication, and sleeping meds for at least a week and a half.

Why you ask? They all rely on GABA receptors, and my tolerance for GABA agonists is through the roof.

Instead, I’ll smoke to calm myself down.

ALSO, I’m going to take diet pills so that I lose weight in contingency with smoking.

10 pounds. That’s all I’m hoping for. I’m okay with 105. I have given up on the double digits, so 100-105 is fine with me. :)

destery:

punches self in face because fat and poor

(via shaunwhitehoodies)

My mental health as gone from horrible to (almost) intolerable. I really hope I get help soon, or I just won’t be able to do this anymore. No one knows how truly sick I am. 

My friends all have better things to do. This long distance relationship is terrorizing me. My problems go from one spectrum of insanity to another. If I’m not crazy-worried and panicky about everything, then I’m apathetic and depressed about everything. I can’t take this for very much longer. 

something please save me

I really I could show my doctors that I am not wanting benzodiazepines because I’m going to abuse them. I need them for my recurrent panic attacks. I keep getting passed from one doctor to the other for really stupid reasons. I have an appointment on Monday to see a doctor. I was supposed to see her on Wednesday, but it didn’t work out. Hopefully I can get some relief from my panic attacks. Because for right now, I’m using alcohol to help me contain me stay (semi) sane.

116. Heaviest ever. 

I have to wear my “fat” jeans. I have to wear baggy clothes so that no one sees the horrific sight that is my stomach. 

More than anything, I want to get down to 97 lbs. 19 pounds to go. In my dreams.

Diet products, cigarettes, dex, diet pills, starvation. I’ll do it all. But not really.

I’m not strong enough to have such willpower. But I had it, and so desperately want it back. So needless to say, I had a bad food day. It did NOT go as i wanted it to. What does that mean? Dex and cigarettes all day tomorrow!

yay

I can never seem to do life correctly. I always get way too neurotic, which really fucks with me.

I get neurotic, I have a panic attack. I get neurotic, I drink. I get neurotic, I smoke. I get neurotic, I cry. 

The crazy part is, this is the healthiest I remember being EVER.

I don’t like my body. Well, my body is fine, I just hate my stomach. I hate it so much. It’s this gigantic balloon. I cannot stand it. It’s disgusting.

I have a very addictive personality.

So I’m very scared.

Fuck me for being so stupid. 

I don’t want to turn into my father.

I was staring at my body in the mirror. All of my body. No clothes. 

As I was checking out my body, I realized something. I ACTUALLY LIKE MY BODY. What? How did that happen? It’s an amazing feeling, let me tell you. I feel hot with no clothes on. I can’t really express how much this is amazing. I have never felt like this. Not until now. 

YES.

My body has been more than good. Through all the periods of starvation, I still maintained a super high metabolism. 

For the majority of the cuts, my body has healed without scars.

I inject my body with INSANE amounts of caffeine so that I can stay awake and not feel hungry. 

I have been consistently healthy.

NOW
My metabolism is slowing. Any damage to my skin scars. The smallest bit of caffeine will make me lightheaded and shaky. And feel like I’m starting to break down. 

I had a kind of heart attack on Friday. I’m not sure why, but my heart went insane and started pumping at just shy of 200 bpm. I had chest pain, I had trouble breathing, and my fingers on my right hand went numb. I recognized those all of being signs of a heart attack, so I called 911. I didn’t have a heart attack, but I has something else. (I forgot what my mom said it was.) I had a lot of caffeine the day before, and I had my morning coffee. That, and I’ve been really stressed. My mom told me that she suffered from the same thing during college. Fuck genetics.
I think this is a sign from my heart to be nice to it, and don’t drink (as much) caffeine. My mom told me that I should still drink caffeine because my heart pretty much relies in it now. I just shouldn’t drink as much. Also, I am taking a beta-blocker so that my heartbeat will be steady. 

This did not happen when I was 80 pounds, or even below. But for some reason, now that I weight 100 pounds, my body cannot take it.

Body, I love you. Without you, there would be no me. I’m sorry I abuse you, I’m just so unhappy right now I don’t know what to do. So I went back to my old starvation ways, and honestly, it scares me how easy it is to avoid food.

I love you body. Please don’t die.